tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3108708410255658566.post2746003164917519639..comments2023-06-27T08:45:29.499-07:00Comments on Give Into Temptation: Another contest!Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16796597536718545426noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3108708410255658566.post-15131468890960329382011-06-26T13:03:10.133-07:002011-06-26T13:03:10.133-07:00Oooh, he sounds cheeky and arrogant, I like him al...Oooh, he sounds cheeky and arrogant, I like him already. I'm guessing the crying girl is our real MC. This throws me off immediately, though. Can we perhaps see the scene through her eyes, instead of his? It seems strange to me to open a book about someone else from his POV. That's all.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3108708410255658566.post-38285101369124249432011-06-26T12:24:48.391-07:002011-06-26T12:24:48.391-07:00Thanks everyone for their comments. I'll certa...Thanks everyone for their comments. I'll certainly tweak a few things before the deadline tommorrow :)<br /><br />Just to clarify Lori, the story is in 3rd person, but not limited. Once in a while it jumps to other character's pov, but the story is solely about Megan. Hope that clears it up a bit!Jennhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16796597536718545426noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3108708410255658566.post-46195837589880181502011-06-26T10:56:39.712-07:002011-06-26T10:56:39.712-07:00Alex's voice really shines through. Great job ...Alex's voice really shines through. Great job with that. <br /><br />I am wondering why he feels like he needs to be in such a hurry. He says he might get kicked off the team--which creates tension--but then he immediately diffuses the tension by saying no, not really, coach would never kick him off b/c he's the star and also his mom is sleeping with the coach. So I'm not sure he'd feel all that rushed.<br /><br />Also, you said the story is about a con artist named Megan, so that's how I was expecting to be introduced to. If the story is about both of them, then you should say so just to be consistent. This obviously doesn't matter for this contest, but I'm just saying that you should be consistent, especially if you write a query from Megan's pov and then include the first few pages which are from Alex's.Lori M. Leehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04858438789496971734noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3108708410255658566.post-30899710047191022302011-06-26T10:32:54.445-07:002011-06-26T10:32:54.445-07:00Great voice to this submit! I LOL'd in more th...Great voice to this submit! I LOL'd in more than one place, which always makes me want to turn the page...and I'd do that here, for sure.<br /><br />I don't think there's an awful lot I'd change - some of the smaller stuff, Riley already caught.<br /><br />Great submit - best of luck in the contest!Erin L. Schneiderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13724907482299321322noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3108708410255658566.post-89845575632382622602011-06-26T06:37:03.176-07:002011-06-26T06:37:03.176-07:00I also love the voice and agree with the above sug...I also love the voice and agree with the above suggestions. Another reason to get rid of the foot tapping, since he also sighed and looked at his watch, is because he gives up on being stressed and annoyed rather quickly. He seems to be a pretty laid back, self-centered guy, would he have been that stressed out to begin with? Nice work! christyerica and christyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13074820593371226159noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3108708410255658566.post-87076740725639300672011-06-25T19:51:37.303-07:002011-06-25T19:51:37.303-07:00I like this so much! I really have no critiques, n...I like this so much! I really have no critiques, none that immediately come to mind. I like your mc, Alex, already. I like how you slid in background info so succinctly. Good job!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3108708410255658566.post-11497193986688743712011-06-25T17:48:07.342-07:002011-06-25T17:48:07.342-07:00Alex totally sounds like guys I've known. Ver...Alex totally sounds like guys I've known. Very authentic and funny voice. I agree with the above edits and would add that you don't really need the middle-aged to describe the cashier, unless the cashier becomes important later one.Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15981159884498574786noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3108708410255658566.post-58849904511663158932011-06-25T12:20:53.241-07:002011-06-25T12:20:53.241-07:00(Oh, forgot to mention that I love your voice. Shi...(Oh, forgot to mention that I love your voice. Shines through loud and clear. Actually, Alex sounds just like a guy I know...)Riley Redgatehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11630001267841081266noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3108708410255658566.post-5298677281549511422011-06-25T12:19:32.304-07:002011-06-25T12:19:32.304-07:00Hi there!
"like a bizarre hybrid between&quo...Hi there!<br /><br />"like a bizarre hybrid between"<br />We don't need 'bizarre' - we can tell it's pretty bizarre from the description, haha.<br /><br />"tapped his right foot"<br />Do we need 'right'? Is that significant? Starting paragraph, all the information should probably be relevant.<br /><br />"Or at least that’s what..."<br />Grammatically, should be:<br />"Or, at least, that was what..."<br /><br />"If anyone asked him though,"<br />"...asked him, though,..."<br /><br />"Thank God for adultery."<br />AHAHHA i laughed out loud at this. Your narration is such a breath of fresh air! =]<br /><br />"Not only was she wearing very tight jeans that showed off her slender legs and round—although small—ass, but she was also wiping her eyes on a Kleenex every few seconds like her rabbit had been run over right in front of her."<br />Two veeery different thoughts here. I'd definitely reconsider connecting them with a not-only-but-also. It'd make more sense if he was like, hot girl, and then did a double take and was like, dude, is she crying?<br /><br />Best of luck! Love your premise, by the way.Riley Redgatehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11630001267841081266noreply@blogger.com