Saturday, June 25, 2011

Another contest!

That's right, I have another contest for you to check out. This time is a contest from the awesome Shelley Watters that will be judged by Victoria Marini of Gelfman Schneider Literary Agency! If you want to enter then click here

First Page of JUST A CON: a 54k YA contemporary romance about a 16-year-old con artist, Megan Benson, that lands a place living in the wealthy Keller mansion only to realize this is the one family she doesn't want to pull a heist on.
His stomach grumbled like a bizarre hybrid between a sputtering submarine and a wounded grizzly. Glancing at his watch for the twentieth time, Alex Harper let out a heavy sigh and tapped his right foot, mentally urging the middle-aged cashier to hurry up with the orders.
 If he was late for soccer practice one more time, he’d get kicked off the team. Or at least that’s what Coach Wilkins threatened every other week. If anyone asked him though, it was the coach’s fault for having practice so early. Didn’t he know that teenagers weren’t supposed to get up before twelve in the summer? It was practically a law of nature.
Then again, he knew Coach would never actually kick him off the team. Not if he wanted to keep winning. Everyone knew Alex was the best sprinter on the field. No lie. He could also mention that he knew Coach was sleeping with his stepmother whenever his dad was out of town. She certainly brought more than snacks to practice.
Thank God for adultery.
Alex relaxed and leaned back against the plastic yellow railing. Yeah, there’s no need to hurry.
As he studied the burger menu above his head, he couldn’t help noticing the girl in front of him. Not only was she wearing very tight jeans that showed off her slender legs and round—although small—ass, but she was also wiping her eyes on a Kleenex every few seconds like her rabbit had been run over right in front of her.

Now I'm off to enjoy everyone else's first pages!


  1. Hi there!

    "like a bizarre hybrid between"
    We don't need 'bizarre' - we can tell it's pretty bizarre from the description, haha.

    "tapped his right foot"
    Do we need 'right'? Is that significant? Starting paragraph, all the information should probably be relevant.

    "Or at least that’s what..."
    Grammatically, should be:
    "Or, at least, that was what..."

    "If anyone asked him though,"
    "...asked him, though,..."

    "Thank God for adultery."
    AHAHHA i laughed out loud at this. Your narration is such a breath of fresh air! =]

    "Not only was she wearing very tight jeans that showed off her slender legs and round—although small—ass, but she was also wiping her eyes on a Kleenex every few seconds like her rabbit had been run over right in front of her."
    Two veeery different thoughts here. I'd definitely reconsider connecting them with a not-only-but-also. It'd make more sense if he was like, hot girl, and then did a double take and was like, dude, is she crying?

    Best of luck! Love your premise, by the way.

  2. (Oh, forgot to mention that I love your voice. Shines through loud and clear. Actually, Alex sounds just like a guy I know...)

  3. Alex totally sounds like guys I've known. Very authentic and funny voice. I agree with the above edits and would add that you don't really need the middle-aged to describe the cashier, unless the cashier becomes important later one.

  4. I like this so much! I really have no critiques, none that immediately come to mind. I like your mc, Alex, already. I like how you slid in background info so succinctly. Good job!

  5. I also love the voice and agree with the above suggestions. Another reason to get rid of the foot tapping, since he also sighed and looked at his watch, is because he gives up on being stressed and annoyed rather quickly. He seems to be a pretty laid back, self-centered guy, would he have been that stressed out to begin with? Nice work! christy

  6. Great voice to this submit! I LOL'd in more than one place, which always makes me want to turn the page...and I'd do that here, for sure.

    I don't think there's an awful lot I'd change - some of the smaller stuff, Riley already caught.

    Great submit - best of luck in the contest!

  7. Alex's voice really shines through. Great job with that.

    I am wondering why he feels like he needs to be in such a hurry. He says he might get kicked off the team--which creates tension--but then he immediately diffuses the tension by saying no, not really, coach would never kick him off b/c he's the star and also his mom is sleeping with the coach. So I'm not sure he'd feel all that rushed.

    Also, you said the story is about a con artist named Megan, so that's how I was expecting to be introduced to. If the story is about both of them, then you should say so just to be consistent. This obviously doesn't matter for this contest, but I'm just saying that you should be consistent, especially if you write a query from Megan's pov and then include the first few pages which are from Alex's.

  8. Thanks everyone for their comments. I'll certainly tweak a few things before the deadline tommorrow :)

    Just to clarify Lori, the story is in 3rd person, but not limited. Once in a while it jumps to other character's pov, but the story is solely about Megan. Hope that clears it up a bit!

  9. Oooh, he sounds cheeky and arrogant, I like him already. I'm guessing the crying girl is our real MC. This throws me off immediately, though. Can we perhaps see the scene through her eyes, instead of his? It seems strange to me to open a book about someone else from his POV. That's all.