Sunday, March 20, 2011

Show Me the Voice!

It's time for another contest! This time is at Brenda Drake Writes for a contest judged by Natalie Fischer. You could get the details here. My pitch and first 250 words are below. Can't wait to read every else's!
Pitch: Princess Evie Kingston finally gets her wish—her sweet older cousin takes her place as princess so she could run away and have an adventure. Too bad that same sweet cousin double crosses her with her baker assassin quicker than she can say “Happily ever after”, resulting in a head injury, lost memory, and a handsome prince who hates princesses coming to her rescue.
First 250 words excerpt
Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess who cast all other princesses in the shadow with her beauty, charm, and bravery. She saved countless villages from dangerous perils. Princes lined up around the kingdom for her hand, but she had no intention of marrying. Happily ever after was just going to have to wait until—
“You’re not supposed to lie in your storybook, you know,” Alyanna Townsend commented without looking up from her sewing. Her needle glided smoothly in and out of the embroidery hoop.
Accidentally blotting the cream parchment with ink, Princess Evelyn Kingston scowled over at her older cousin. “Look what you made me do!”
“Doesn’t matter. You’re going to have to rip that page out once the Queen sees it.”
Evie opened her mouth to retort, but snapped it shut and sighed instead. Alyanna was right. Her mother was going to freak once she saw her story book and not because of the black splotches. For a princess to declare that she didn’t want to get married and have a happily ever after was a worst scandal than a fairy sharing her first kiss with a troll.
She gazed out the alcove window at the clear sky. The trees’ leaves rustled in the breeze beyond the kingdom stone walls. Evie longed to feel the wind in her hair. She was never able to go outside much. Not when her days were filled with lessons. Singing, dancing, cooking. The list went on and on. And so did her mother.


  1. You have a nice little voice here. I don't know if the "Once upon a time opening works" but the rest really shows the character.

  2. This is a good opening, with both voice and setting. The only part I stumbled on is their last names--I really don't think they're necessary at this point. Especially because when I saw it was her cousin, I thought, "Would she really identify her cousin with her full name?" And do royalty use their last names rather than titles?

    Loved your last line: And so did her mother

  3. You have a nice voice for this one. The idea sounds interesting. Loved your last line. Not sure if you need the last names though.

  4. This is so freaking cute. Lower YA, right? Cute, funny, full of voice. It's not loud or tense, but it definitely shows where you're going. Very solid entry :)

  5. I love how that beginning took a turn. I think this is great and I'd definitely read on!

  6. Lovely start. I like the voice, but agree that I'm not sure I would start with the "once upon a time". It has a wonderful hook - MG or young YA? I would read on!!

  7. I like it very much!

    "was a worst scandal than a fairy sharing her first kiss with a troll."

    worst = worse

    I really enjoyed this. Also, "never got to go outside much" is sort of a contradiction - either she never gets to, or she doesn't get to very often.

  8. I like this and I like the 'once upon a time' start. I felt like I was la di la di dahing along and then SLAM - reality. Good.

  9. I really liked this and would read on. The only thing that seemed off was the use of freak. For some reason it seemed a little out of place, coming from a princess. But that could just be me.